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Gaming Humor Classics

10 Tips For Evil Overlords

  • Design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
  • If the beautiful princess that you capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", just say "Oh well" and kill her.
  • All naive, busty tavern wenches in your realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
  • If you decide to test someone's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is "no".
  • Hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine your castle and inform you of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that you might not know about.
  • Don't grow a goatee. In the old days, they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
  • If your advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", don't proceed until you have a response that satisfies them.
  • If you're fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and are about to finish him off as he glances behind you and drops flat, drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
  • Treat any beast which you control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus, if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after you for revenge.
  • If you learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy you, slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.